All this learned knowledge and I still don't know jack!

For a class on 'Spiritual Classics', I wrote the following as part of answering the question "what is the spiritual journey?" Subsequently, this is how I feel about writing in general.

For the sake of being transparent (at least with myself). I can quote and cite a number of books and individuals who hold and have held distinctive ideologies on spirituality, but when it comes to expressing what it is that I feel, think, and “know” about the spiritual journey, I feel like I’m at a lost for words, or at the very least, have a minuscule amount to say. Though I can say whether I agree or disagree with the points made of scholars and saints, I simply don’t feel that I am equipped to make such points myself. Ironically, my point resembles the very beginning of Teresa of Avila’s writings in the "Interior Castle";

“Few tasks which I have been commanded to undertake by obedience have been so difficult as this present one writing about matters relating to prayer… because I do not feel that the Lord has given me either the spirituality or the desire for it…But, as I know that strength arising from obedience has a way of simplifying things that which seem impossible, my will very gladly resolves to attempt this task…”

Touche Teresa of Avila, touche indeed. Consequently, I agree and ask for the same thing that Teresa ('T-Dogg' as her friends called her) did:

“May He who has helped me by doing other and more difficult things for me help also in this: in His mercy I put my trust.”

My own Narnia.

This past weekend I was in a class on 'Spiritual Classics'. It involved reading books like Confessions (St. Augustine), Dark Night if the Soul (St. John of the Cross), Practice the Presence of God (Brother Lawrence), etc. The point of the class was to help us understand that there are many ways in which people perceive and interact with God, and within the realm of counseling it is important be be aware of their perceptions in order to meet clients where they are at.

During the part of class where we participated in contemplative prayer I saw myself in my 'happy place'; it's actually in the woods in Portland, OR along the gorge. I was walking through a forest (kind of like Narnia), and then I stopped at the shore of a massive lake. On the other side of the lake was a large granite mountain. I was looking for God and I started to call out to him as though he were on the top of the mountain. I was going on and on until I felt like God wasn't paying attention. I yelled out, "Where are you!?"

When I questioned God's presence I heard a voice behind me. It wasn't a yell but it wasn't a whisper. It sounded like my voice but way more calm and confident. The voice said, "hey... Kevin." I turned around and there God was. I can't give you a visual description of God, but I was sure that he was there. I said to God, "I thought you where on top of the mountain." He just looked at me with a facial expression that seemed to say that he understood but still gave no explanation. "Where have you been?", I asked him (with a hint of arrogance). He replied, "I've been here the whole time." I asked, "how come I didn't see you there?" He looked at me with a kind eye and said, "you weren't looking."

Nothing was said after that, we just kind hung out for while. It's funny to see that God can use our imagination as a conduit to communicating with us. My prayer is now that I learn to notice that God is always near, especially when he's right behind me.

shifts in perception

Ambiguity... a word that I seldom feel comfortable associating with. But lately, I feel that God has challenged and strangely also equipped me to embrace being content with not knowing what's to happen.

Presently, I'm experiencing a shift in perception much like the stairs in the photo. Rather than perceiving God as being a fundamental part of my life I'm beginning to see that I am really an integral part of His. It's funny that now that I'm an adult, God is teaching me to how to be childish.

a new blog about nothing

To quote Bob Dylan, "The times they are a' changin"... well, not really. Rather, routines are changing. Money is tight, and according to the Mayans and Nostradamus, we have 3 more years to live [insert skeptical chuckle here]. For me, 2009 comes with ambitious possibilities and a few sobering realizations. I really would like to live within my means. But I suppose, like everyone else, I'm learning through trial and error. I'd also like to know why someone would hit my car in the parking lot of my apartment and not have the decency to at least write a note that says "sorry". It's not like I can tell who you are and where you live based on your hand writting.

If you're wondering what the point of this blog is about, I'll tell you; it's about nothing. I still don't know what to blog about, but I feel that my life is full of activity on multiple levels. I don't have the insight to elequently blog about a particular one. So, until then I'll just type. As for now, I wonder, what in 2009 will make me laugh, or weap, or reminice, piss me off? With 6 1/2 days down, I've managed to laugh at work (because some of the patients were obsessed with travelling through time to 1984), be inspired (or at least brought to awareness) at church, had the simple joy of eating a Clementine for the first time, and felt nostalgic while riding bikes with Danny Brewer and Tyler Lyle around Midtown.

I suppose, that though there is no epiphany to chrisen the new year. 2009 still brings joy, anxiety, peace, fun, exploration, and life that seems to illuminate God's presence. What more could one want? Even in writing this a few more 'wants' come to mind but I'm tired of typing so I'm gonna stop for now.